This column is written not for the job seeker, but rather for the spouse or partner of the job seeker. Job loss is extremely traumatic, and it is not just the individual’s issue. It is a family issue, and everyone is affected. During this time the spouse is called upon to endure his or her own stress as well as try to remain supportive to the loved one who has lost a job.

Whether or not it has been your primary role to provide emotional support, now is the time when you are called upon to keep the stiff upper lip. The daily balancing act becomes one of being strong for your spouse and perhaps keeping your own doubts, worries and fears to yourself.

Even the best of relationships will be greatly challenged by this experience. For those that are already strained, the loss of a partner’s job can frequently bring them closer together through this crisis. It can also be the “straw that breaks the camels back.”

I often refer to the unemployment experience as an emotional roller coaster. Your spouse will have some days in which they are focused and productive, and others in which they may withdraw, sleep, or be angry or moody. Especially when children are involved, it may be up to you to be the stabilizing force of emotional security for the entire family.

Understand that for many, self-esteem and source of identity have been built upon job role, title, status, and ability to earn money and contribute to financial support of the family. It is not uncommon for unemployed persons to literally feel “lost”. They have lost more than their job: they have lost their sense of contribution and identity, as well as the structure and camaraderie that accompany a daily work routine.

There are many ways that you can assist your unemployed partner:

1. Let him or her know that you love them and believe in them. Keep an upbeat attitude as much as possible. Unconditional assurance of love is a very powerful healer and source of support, particularly if your spouse is feeling guilty as if they let you down somehow.

2. Be a good listener. Your spouse is going through self-doubt, frustration, anger, and a sense of vulnerability that accompanies job loss. Having someone to vent to and talk with, who will not judge them, is an important part of the recovery process.

3. Be patient when the person you know so well does not behave or react like he or she usually does. Mood swings that sometimes border on depression may evidence themselves. He or she may also suffer physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, low energy/lethargy, loss of appetite (or conversely stress eating) or gastro-intestinal problems.

4. Understand and deal with your own fears about what has happened. Loss of the economic stability of a regular paycheck can be very frightening. This is more strongly felt if your spouse has been the sole support and breadwinner. Sit down together and re-work a financial plan or austerity budget for these special times. Mapping things out will give you a greater sense of understanding and control, which should alleviate some of the fear.

5. Do not be embarrassed or try to hide what has happened from those around you. Be open and factual with the children. They can sense when things are not quite right anyway. Let them know that the family is in this together, and find ways that they can help. When it comes to friends and neighbors, do not let the stigma of unemployment embarrass you or keep you from your normal activities. This is the worst time to put yourself in isolation

6. Do not ask your spouse for a detailed report of job search activities each day. The pressure you are placing on them is too great. Instead ask, “How did your day go?” This question leaves it open for your spouse to share any noteworthy events if they so desire.

7. Offer ways in which you can help in the job search process: perhaps you can help with researching information, type or proof-read cover letters, practice standard interview questions and offer objective feed-back.

8. Do not be impatient if it takes a while for your partner to find a new job. Even talented, hard working and well-qualified candidates are having a difficult time getting re-employed. Jobs are still tight and there is plenty of competition out there.

9. Finally, make sure that you have your own source of support that you can vent to, who will help you cope with this stressful time. Do not try to carry the burden by yourself. Having this resource will help keep you energized to be of support for your unemployed spouse.